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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29924889">A Hundred Kisses Deep</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82'>pandorabox82</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:29:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,815</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29924889</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There were five times that Penelope thought Dave was going to kiss her, but it took having her heart broken for him to finally do the one thing that she wanted most.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Hundred Kisses Deep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div>
  <p></p>
  <div class="storycontent nocopy">
    <p>
      <strong>I. Shot Through the Diaphragm and I'm To Blame</strong>
    </p>
    <p>Penelope winced a little as adjusted how she was sitting on her sofa. It was almost time for her next round of pain meds before she got prepared for bed, and she wasn't looking forward to getting to her feet and jostling her still healing wound. But she had to get up and pee and get more water before settling in bed with a good book. A part of her had hoped that Derek would forget to take the laptop with him after he had brought her back to her apartment after Jayje had shot the unsub in the bullpen, but that had been the last thing he grabbed before he left, and she felt like she had nothing to keep her truly occupied. A part of her recognized that she was probably walking on thin ice, what with Agent Fuchs still keeping his eye on her, and Hotch had likely told Derek to bring that laptop to the BAU so that she wouldn't be tempted to get into more trouble than she was already in. Even if Emily was insistent that Fuchs would reinstate her sooner rather than later.</p>
    <p>Letting out a low groan of pain, Penelope managed to get to her feet, hobbling into her bathroom and slowly lowering herself onto the toilet so that she could pee. She didn't know if she'd be able to get up any time soon, so she sat and allowed herself to gather her strength as she thought about if she should get something to eat. Penelope knew that her doctor had told her to eat a little something before taking her medication, but she had found that her appetite had been fleeting ever since she was shot. A part of her recognized that she was most likely reacting out of stress and shock, but that still didn't change her inability to find it in her to eat something.</p>
    <p>Finally, she managed to get to her feet and slowly shuffled into the kitchen. After filling a glass with water, Penelope opened the fridge to stare inside it, trying to find something in there that piqued her hunger. Settling on the slab of cake that Derek had brought by earlier, she carefully reached inside and pulled it out before grabbing a fork and her pain medication before trudging back into the living room and carefully settling back down onto the sofa, setting her water on the coffee table and then digging into the cake. It was truly delicious, but she couldn't appreciate it, as her pain was just a little too great to enjoy something she would normally love.</p>
    <p>She had almost finished a quarter of the cake when her buzzer went off. Frowning deeply, she set the plate on the coffee table in front of her and got back to her feet as quickly as she possibly could without hurting herself too badly. It was difficult to hobble over to the door, but she finally reached the intercom and pressed the talk button. "Who is it?" she gasped out, feeling out of breath and in pain.</p>
    <p>"It's David Rossi. May I come up?"</p>
    <p>She frowned a little, not really certain that she wanted to see that man after how he had treated her in this very apartment. But somehow, she knew that he would just stand outside her door until she let him up. Letting out a deep sigh, Penelope pressed the button that would give him access to the building, and then unlocked the door to her apartment, cracking it a little so that he could enter before she slowly made her way back to the sofa and carefully collapsed onto it once more. This time, it took longer to get as comfortable as she possibly could, and she had just barely gotten into place when the door creaked open fully before closing with a dull thud moments later. "What do you want?" she tiredly asked, picking up a throw pillow and hugging it tightly to her chest as she tried to turn her head to look at him without moving her body at all.</p>
    <p>"I would like to know why you thought it was a good idea to leave your door like that. You were very nearly killed just a week ago!"</p>
    <p>Penelope's frown deepened as Rossi sat down next to her on the sofa, staring into her eyes. "It hurts to stand up for too long. It hurts to sit for long periods of time. It hurts to move. I knew it was you, so I decided to take the chance and allow you to have access to my home. If you're just going to be a bastard about it, you can leave now."</p>
    <p>Those words seemed to mollify him a little, as he nodded and reached out to touch her knee, only for her to flinch away from his touch. It was an instinctive thing, since she was still a little spooked from what Battle had tried to do to her, but she still felt a pang of regret at upsetting him. "I didn't mean to upset you, Garcia. I just wanted to check up on you, since I know that you have to be feeling off."</p>
    <p>"You're right, I am. I didn't think that being shot would result in this much pain," she answered honestly, feeling like since they were alone, she could allow her walls to drop a little. "A part of me feels like I should have died on that operating table, and that I'm living on borrowed time now."</p>
    <p>"I am truly sorry that you feel that way, Garcia. Is there anything that you need?"</p>
    <p>She shook her head as she winced a little, looking at her pill bottle and wishing that it was closer to her, as she really needed to take her medication before things became much worse. "Can you grab that bottle, actually? I'm about two hours late in taking my next dosage, but after seeing what happened to Reid, I don't want to become dependent on anything."</p>
    <p>Rossi frowned as he picked up the bottle, opened the cap, and shook two pills out into his hand. "I don't know if your doctor told you, but there is a reason why you're supposed to take your correct dosage of pain medication on schedule. Your body is trying to heal itself, and when you're in pain, it can't do that correctly. Do you need me to call you at a specific set of times each day to ensure that you're following the proper regiment?"</p>
    <p>"Were you in the military?" she shot back as she accepted the pills from his hand before holding out her free hand for the glass of water. Rossi chuckled as he grabbed the glass and pressed it into her palm. "Well?"</p>
    <p>"Yeah, I was in the Marines."</p>
    <p>"How did I know," Penelope muttered as she threw back the pills and chased them down with a large swallow of water. "No, I should be fine now, but thank you."</p>
    <p>Rossi nodded as he rested his hand on her knee, the gentle touch filled her heart with a curious sensation, and she stared into his dark eyes, feeling like she was being drawn into them. Unconsciously, she leaned towards him a little more, feeling like he was going to kiss her for some reason. "You're probably getting tired, aren't you?" he asked as he smiled gently at her, not berating her or rejecting her for her minor misstep.</p>
    <p>"A little, yeah."</p>
    <p>"All right, I'll help you over to your bed and then clean up out here before leaving you alone. Will that be all right?" Penelope nodded as she watched Rossi get to his feet, holding out his hand towards her before gently helping her to her feet and guiding her to her bed, leaving her there to fall asleep to the sounds of his fulfilling his offer, a tender smile on her lips, and the thought that maybe Rossi wasn't as bad as her most recent impression of him.</p>
    <p>
      <strong>II. There Was Never a Fighting Chance</strong>
    </p>
    <p>Penelope had wanted to go over to Hotch's house the minute she had heard the gunshots on the other end of the line. She was closest to the home, since the others had still been chasing down a false lead on Foyet, but she knew that her feeling was especially dangerous, since she had no training in how to deal with an unsub, and that Derek would just argue with her and be angry with the fact that she had recklessly put herself in danger by doing something so rash and foolish. It had been hard to see through the tears that were still falling down her face, but she had managed to drag herself over to her sofa and collapsed upon it, curling up into a tight ball as she continued to let herself sob out her grief.</p>
    <p>She hadn't ever been particularly close to Haley, but Hotch had always been her mentor, her rock, in the BAU. He had seen past her rough exterior to find the goodness in her heart, and pulled her out of a situation that would have been disastrous to her emotional health had she continued down her pathway. It wasn't fair that an unsub had targeted him and his family and then decided that hurting him was the only way to make his demands heard.</p>
    <p>Penelope didn't know how long she had stayed on her sofa, only that at some point she had fallen asleep, as the next thing she knew, someone was reaching out and touching her shoulder with enough force to bring her out of her sleep. Blinking, she touched her forehead lightly, feeling a throbbing there that told her she now had a headache from crying so hard before falling asleep. "Kitten, how long have you been here?"</p>
    <p>"What do you mean?" she croaked out as she sat up with a stiff groan, her back screaming at her. "What time is it?" she asked, trying to focus on a clock somewhere in her office. "Rossi?"</p>
    <p>"It's Thursday, Penelope," he replied, concern dripping from his voice.</p>
    <p>"Oh," she breathed out, pursing her lips together as she took a few deep breaths. "Can I ask a very stupid question that I already know the answer to, but don't want to know the answer to? Please?"</p>
    <p>"Of course."</p>
    <p>"It wasn't a bad dream, was it?" Rossi shook his head a little as she sat up, and then he was taking a seat next to her, reaching out to take hold of her hand and holding on to it tightly. "I failed him, again," she said softly, tightening her hold on his hand as she tried to take a few deep breaths, not wanting to break down in tears once more. It wasn't like she was afraid of showing emotion in front of him, but there was a part of her that just wanted to be alone in her grief.</p>
    <p>"How did you fail Hotch?" His quiet words seemed able to cut through the noise in her head like a laser, and she blinked a few times before looking up into his face, seeing that he was close to tears, too, and her lower lip wobbled a little as she drew in another, shakier, breath. "Penelope?"</p>
    <p>"I've done it a number of times. First there was the Fisher King case, where I allowed a hacker to gain access to our systems by using the work wi-fi connection on my personal laptop. And then, when I was shot, I brough scrutiny to the team because of my actions. Now, I wasn't fast enough to find Foyet before he hurt Hotch again. Please, Dave, tell me that Jack is all right. I know that Foyet threatened to kill him after killing Haley, but then I don't remember anything else. What happened?"</p>
    <p>"Jack is fine, Hotch managed to get a coded message to Jack, which allowed him to hide until Aaron found him. Jessica has him right now, since Hotch was in no place to be at work, or with him alone. He went through so much trauma."</p>
    <p>"Is, is Strauss going to allow him to rejoin our team after this?"</p>
    <p>She hated to give that question a voice, but it needed to be asked, because she wasn't certain that she could continue to work on the team without her friend and champion there. His respect for her, no matter how badly she messed up or toed the line of acceptable behaviour, had truly helped her to become the person he knew she could be. Her thoughts were interrupted by Rossi squeezing her hand in a rough tattoo to catch her attention. "I would like to say that of course she's going to let him come back, but I know that there is some bad blood between them because of the way that Gideon treated her, and how she viewed Hotch as tacitly approving of that behaviour. There's also the fact that there's going to have to be an inquest into how Foyet died, since Aaron did kill him. We all know that it was totally justified, that was why there were no charges pressed, but there's still the fact that we're under the scrutiny of the Senate, and have to justify our actions when they are egregiously out of line with the code of conduct we all sign."</p>
    <p>"Oh, I didn't think about that. But she'll want the right outcome for us, yes? I know that she's been a bit of a hardass before, but there has to be a heart there, right?"</p>
    <p>"I think that there is, Kitten, but she's been through some shit, and it affected her differently than it might have affected you. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose, which is something that none of us on the team is particularly great at."</p>
    <p>She nodded as she let out a long, shaky breath. "Patience is a virtue that I never possessed. Though I'll try, for Hotch."</p>
    <p>Rossi gave her a tender little smile as he leaned in close to her. So close, that she thought for a moment he was going to kiss away all her pain, but at the last moment, he pulled her into a warm hug, rubbing her back lightly as they both struggled not to cry. "Things might never get back to the way they were, Kitten, but they can get back to a new semblance of normal. Try to keep that in mind as we support Hotch through his journey with grief, when he returns to us."</p>
    <p>"I will," she whispered, somehow feeling like even those quiet words were much too loud for the sacredness of the moment. "Thanks for checking in on me. I think that I'm going to head home and shower and then come back in to work the rest of the day."</p>
    <p>"We're off, pending the inquest."</p>
    <p>"Oh!" He nodded as he helped her to her feet, and Penelope tried not to cry when he grabbed her purse and carried it with him as they made their way through the bullpen and over to the elevators. No one else from Alpha team was there, but Agent Anderson looked like he hadn't stopped crying in some time. Sparing him a small smile, Penelope then pursed her lips together to keep from crying herself as Rossi ushered her onto the elevators, pressing the button for the ground floor. "Are you going to accompany me home?" she asked, trying to tease him a little, but her heart wasn't really into it.</p>
    <p>"I am. There are too many crazy people out there for me to let you go home alone this morning." Those were the words that broke her heart, and she let out a choked sob before turning into him once more, not caring who saw her in that moment, as her grief was too large to be constrained any longer, and Rossi was offering her a warm chest to cry on. Somehow, that was all she needed in that moment, and maybe in her life.</p>
    <p>
      <strong>III. I'm Not Getting Married Today</strong>
    </p>
    <p>Penelope had been the second person to arrive at Rossi's for the party he had invited everyone to. From the moment that Strauss had opened the door, wearing a lovely dress, and a smile that was even lovelier, Penelope knew that there was more to this shindig than she had realized. "You're here early, Ms. Garcia."</p>
    <p>"Penelope, please, we're outside the office, ma'am."</p>
    <p>"Well then, for tonight, call me Erin."</p>
    <p>She nodded, feeling that air of camaraderie still surrounding them. It had actually been quite lovely to have her in the mobile command unit for most of the day they had spent at the bank, and she had gotten to know her a little better, something she had never really thought possible. "I take it that this is more than just a celebratory party for us all surviving the bank heist?" she said a bit jokingly as Erin led her out back. As they stepped onto the patio, Penelope was able to see the trellis that had been set up, along with the fairy lights and greenery that spoke of a wedding. "Did we miss all the clues, then? I mean, I know that Reid and I saw Rossi and you leaving that hotel Saturday morning, but…we're all coming to your surprise wedding?"</p>
    <p>Erin laughed as she shook her head, and Penelope frowned a little. "Oh, I didn't mean to offend you! No, Penelope, David and I are not going to be the marrying type, at least, we're not getting married today. This is for Jennifer and Will. They went through so much this weekend, that my lovely partner thought that they deserved a bit of happiness. They were just going to head to the Justice of the Peace tomorrow and have a low-key ceremony, but my David never does anything by half. He should be back soon with Jennifer's mother, as her flight was delayed a little."</p>
    <p>"Oh, I've never met her mother. I hope that she's nice."</p>
    <p>"Considering that Jennifer is so kind to others, I would assume that she learned that from her mother. Now, while we wait for the others to arrive, would you like to get something to drink with me?"</p>
    <p>Penelope could tell that Erin was trying her best to be a gracious hostess, and so she nodded as she followed the woman back inside, finding that Rossi had hired a bartender who had brought a portable bar with him. "Did Rossi say if Kevin was coming tonight or not?"</p>
    <p>"I believe that he is, along with Agent Sharpe."</p>
    <p>"Oh," she groaned, looking at the bartender, who was giving her a wry smile, as if he knew exactly why that was upsetting her. "Can I get an extra strong Long Island Iced Tea?"</p>
    <p>Erin raised an eyebrow in surprise before ordering a Shirley Temple. "Why does his attendance upset you?"</p>
    <p>"He wanted me to marry him. I'm not the marrying type, either, though probably for much different reasons than you. I loved Kevin, but I was not ready to be locked into a relationship. Mom always said that if there was even a hint of hesitation, you shouldn't get married, as it's not fair to your partner."</p>
    <p>"Those are wise words that I should have listened to with my husband. But then, I wouldn't have my three greatest joys."</p>
    <p>"You have children?" Penelope asked as they took their drinks from the man, and Erin nodded as they drifted back outside, taking a seat on the bench beneath one of the trees. From there, it was easy to fall into a long conversation with the woman, even though Penelope had gotten up to order four more drinks, growing increasingly tipsy as she watched the others slowly join them. There was a sad air about Erin that grew the more drunk Penelope became, and she wondered what that was all about.</p>
    <p>As the night went on, Penelope did everything in her power to avoid Kevin and Gina, though she did end up dancing with him at some point. It had been too familiar and nice to be in his arms, to let go of the hurt that she had been carrying around over their breakup. But after that one dance, he had gone back to Gina's arms, and she had had another drink, holding on to it tightly as she began to dance with Emily and JJ. Eventually, the party had broken up, with Jayje and Will heading off on their honeymoon that Erin had arranged, and Sandy taking Henry back to the house.</p>
    <p>Still, she had felt the need to linger as Hotch and Beth left, followed quickly by Emily and Derek. Penelope didn't see Reid, which meant that he must have left at some point and she hadn't noticed, and she was alone with Rossi and Erin. "We never got to dance together," she said a bit sloppily to Erin, noticing that there was still music playing. "Or…"</p>
    <p>"No, we can share a dance, that's fine." The older woman gave her a glittering smile, and Penelope could suddenly see how beautiful she was. It was so nice to be held close by her, and as they swayed in time to the slow song, Penelope found herself looking over Erin's shoulder at Rossi, seeing that he was watching them carefully, and she had to wonder if there was something that he knew that she didn't. Giving him a little smile, she drifted closer to Erin, breathing in the delicate scent of her perfume. "Penelope?"</p>
    <p>"I am feeling no pain right now, but somehow I have the feeling that that is not going to be the case in the morning."</p>
    <p>Erin laughed as she rested her head on Penelope's shoulder. "That is one thing I do not miss about alcohol. And that settles things for me, you are spending the night here. David and I can take care of you in the morning."</p>
    <p>"You don't have to do that," she began to protest, only for Erin to pull away a little to look into her eyes.</p>
    <p>"Yes, we do." Erin tilted her head to one side, and Penelope fought the urge to lean in and kiss her. She knew that she was drunk, but she wasn't drunk enough to be a complete bitch in front of her friend. "All right, follow us." Erin ran her hand down Penelope's arm until she was clasping her hand, and then they were heading for the house. When they passed by Rossi, Erin reached out her free hand to grab his and dragged him along behind them.</p>
    <p>"What's this then?" he teased as he looked at Penelope, and she shrugged, tripping over her feet a little when Erin came to a stop in front of the stairs. "Careful there, Kitten."</p>
    <p>She lifted her head up so that she could see his eyes, feeling drawn to him, too. As she started to lean up into his space, Erin cleared her throat, and she snapped out of the slight trance, blushing deeply as she looked between the two of them. "Sorry, I think that I really did have a little too much to drink," she said sheepishly, still feeling like Rossi had been about to kiss her, even though they knew that Erin was right there. That was a clear indicator that she was a little too tight to be making good decisions, and so she decided to be grateful that Erin had commanded her to stay there for the night.</p>
    <p>As they ascended the stairs, Penelope held tightly to both Rossi and Erin's hands, suddenly feeling like she was about to shatter a little if she thought too long about things. "All right, this is the guest room, the bathroom is right next door. And if you feel ill during the night, our room is across the hall." Erin gave her a soft hug before pressing a quick kiss against her cheek. "Sleep well, and we'll have breakfast ready at eight."</p>
    <p>Penelope gave her a small nod as she slipped behind the door of the guest room. She tried not to think about the fact that the guest room was nearly as large as her entire apartment, and she trudged over to the bed and collapsed on the mattress before kicking off her heels and awkwardly taking off her bra. Once she felt a little more comfortable, Penelope crawled beneath the covers and stared up at the ceiling, hoping that they would overlook her forwardness and chalk it up to the alcohol clouding her judgement.</p>
    <p>
      <strong>IV. Now You're Lost To Me</strong>
    </p>
    <p>Penelope was still reeling from the fact that it had all gone down so quickly. One moment, Hotch was leading their team, the next he had been whisked off into Witness Protection, and they would no longer be able to see him, or talk to him. She knew now that she loved him, that he was one of her dearest friends, and that his absence in her life would result in a huge gaping hole in her heart. A part of her didn't know which was worse – losing someone close to them at the hands of an unsub, like they had Strauss; losing someone like Emily, only to have her return from the dead months later; or knowing that one of her loved ones was out there in the world and she had no way to reach him. They were all shades of awful, after all.</p>
    <p>Sighing, she tried to focus on her work, on what she was supposed to be doing for the Red Cell team, but her heart truly wasn't in it. A part of Penelope wondered if things would ever truly go back to normal, since their leader was gone. And it didn't look like they would replace him anytime soon, which left a huge hole in the team. That was how she felt, at least. She didn't know why she felt that way, since it seemed like everyone was just going to carry on as if life was normal, when it was the farthest thing from normal, again, in her opinion.</p>
    <p>A soft knock on her door caught her attention, and she looked up from her monitor and called out, "Come in! The door is unlocked!"</p>
    <p>Moments later, the door opened, revealing Rossi. He had a worried look on his face, which mollified her more unkind feelings about what was going on, and Penelope gave him a pained smile as she gestured for him to take a seat on the edge of her desk. "I am heading home for the day, Kitten, but I wanted to know if you wanted to grab a bite to eat?"</p>
    <p>"I wish that I could, but I am waiting on answers for Sam's team. Though I wouldn't say no to having food here, with you. If you could stand to be in the building for a few hours longer."</p>
    <p>"If it means that I get to spend time with you? I don't think that will be any hardship at all." He gave her a soft smile as he reached out and patted her shoulder softly. "Do you trust me enough to get you something that you'll like?"</p>
    <p>"I think that you've known me long enough where you know my personal tastes." She made certain to let her smile widen as he nodded at her before getting to his feet once more and heading out of the room, pulling out his phone as he went. Penelope knew that he would end up getting her something ridiculously expensive and utterly delicious, which suited her mood just fine. She needed comfort food of some sort in order to help her feel better, since nothing else was working. Letting out a weary sigh, she turned back to her monitor and began to get to work once more, noticing that there was no new leads for her to chase down while she waited for Rossi to return with their food.</p>
    <p>Getting up from her desk, Penelope went over to her table and cleared off a space for them to eat at, wanting everything to look perfect on the surface. Which she knew was a bit ridiculous, but that was her mood at the moment. The more things that she could control and make perfect, the easier it was to ignore her feelings over losing Hotch. In that moment, she decided that his loss was truly the one that hurt the most, because she could still talk to Emily, and she could move on from the loss of Strauss, but knowing that Hotch was out there and that she had no way to contact him was going to remain like an open wound in her heart, aching every time that she thought about him. Which might be often, since she thought of Strauss more than she had thought she would, seeing as how they weren't really friends before she was murdered.</p>
    <p>Shaking her head to clear away the negative thoughts, Penelope finished clearing off the table before sinking down into one of the chairs and burying her face in her hands, taking a few deep breaths as she tried to keep from crying. Though it didn't surprise her that she would be crying at a time like this. She cried every time that they lost a team member, since it was truly like losing a family member. From Elle to Hotch, and everyone in between, there had been copious amounts of tears shed over thoughts of them.</p>
    <p>"Are you still with us, Kitten?"</p>
    <p>She looked up with a start to see Rossi coming back into her office, two brown bags in his hands. Frowning a little, she looked up at the clock to see that forty minutes had passed since he had left her office, and she didn't know where the time had gone. "I guess I let my mind wander into wool-gathering territory. Give me two seconds to check my computer, and then I can eat with you?"</p>
    <p>"Okay."</p>
    <p>She gave him a soft smile as she stood up and went over to her main computer, scrolling through her searches to find that there was still nothing for the Red Cell team, and she allowed her shoulders to drop as she took a few deep breaths and made her way back to the table, seeing that he had set up the food to look like they were truly having a meal together at a fancy restaurant. There was even a candle burning in between their plates, and she felt her heart lurch a little in her chest as she took her seat and spread her napkin out on her lap. "You went to a lot of trouble here."</p>
    <p>"You're worth a lot of trouble, Penelope."</p>
    <p>The use of her name caught her attention, and she bit her lower lip to stop the tremble there as she reached out for her glass of water. Taking a few sips, she tried to keep from crying as she looked down to see that he had gone with Italian food, and she giggled a little. "I'm surprised that you found this food to be up to snuff, since you always complained about how I cooked your precious recipes," she teased, finding it easier to use humor to deflect from her feelings of loss.</p>
    <p>"I happen to be friends with the owner, and I know that Joe would never mutilate my recipes like you seem wont to do," he teased right back, and she shrugged a little. "Oh, Kitten, you are too easy to tease."</p>
    <p>"I think that I'm still a little off kilter over losing Hotch. We talked about Emily when she left us. A few of us talked about Erin after she died. But with Hotch gone, no one is saying anything. It's like he never even existed, even though I have this huge Boss Man shaped hole in my heart. I just want to keep holding on to my memories of him, and when none of you talk about him, they slip away a little further every day. And that has made me distracted and irritable, and I hate feeling this way."</p>
    <p>Rossi reached out and took hold of her hand, squeezing gently so that she would look at him as he responded to her. "I hate that you feel that way, too, Penelope. But I think that we don't talk about Hotch because things are still too raw. There's a sense of failure in us all, because we should have dealt with Scratch the first time, but we upheld our ethical oath. I know that that was the right thing to do, but it still led to something horrible happening to our family as a result. I wish that I could change things, but I'm only all too human."</p>
    <p>"Yeah," she whispered out, feeling the first tears start to sting at the corners of her eyes. Their eyes met over their food, and the candlelight lent a softness to his gaze that called to her, even though she was with Sam. It would feel so nice to have him kiss her, to have him offer her a moment of tenderness in this raging storm of hurt and loss, and she leaned in a little wanting to see if he would close the distance between them. Instead, he reached out and cupped her cheek, stroking it softly with his thumb as he gave her a sad smile. "Rossi?"</p>
    <p>"You look at me with eyes like that, and I want to promise you that everything will be fine, even though I know that that's not the truth. Don't tempt me."</p>
    <p>"All right, I'll try to remember that," she said quietly as his hand spread out on her face. Her eyes closed as she took a few long breaths and then sat back up and began to eat, feeling bereft at the loss of something she wasn't even certain had been offered in the first place. Still, she knew that she would take whatever crumbs of comfort that she could from these tender moments, whenever they came.</p>
    <p>
      <strong>V. And In the End…</strong>
    </p>
    <p>Penelope grinned at Emily as she danced with Anderson. There was something so electric about this evening, even though she knew that it was supposed to be a sad time for her. She had officially retired from the FBI after almost twenty years as their technical analyst, and while she had never thought that this day would come, suddenly, here she was, in Rossi's backyard, drinking great wine. All the best and worst moments had happened in this backyard, so it made sense that she would be celebrating this milestone achievement here.</p>
    <p>"Are we going to dance, too, Penelope?"</p>
    <p>She looked up at Luke, giving him a bit of a flirtatious smile. She knew that he wanted to start something more, that he was using her leaving the FBI to pursue her, and she was flattered that someone like him could take an interest in her. Especially since Derek had turned down the invitation to attend this party, along with all her former coworkers and friends. A part of Penelope knew that she was being harsh on them, since they had lives of their own, but it was so rare for them to have a reason to get together and celebrate that she had thought they would all come flocking home to be happy for her.</p>
    <p>Seeing that Luke was staring at her oddly, Penelope realized that she had taken a little too long to answer him, and she shook her head briskly to rid her mind of the intrusive thoughts before giving him a firm nod. "I thought you'd never ask me to dance, Luke."</p>
    <p>He grinned as he wrapped his arm around her waist, leading her out onto the impromptu dance floor, their bodies swaying in time to the music. As they danced, she listened to the things that Luke was saying to her, murmuring what she hoped were appropriate answers as she watched Rossi dance with his wife. Though she had tried to warm to Krystall, there was still something about her that she didn't quite like or trust. She couldn't say why, it was just one of those gut feelings that never had an explanation.</p>
    <p>Sighing, she rested her cheek against Luke's chest, knowing that he would take it in a slightly different way than how she had intended it, and Penelope found that she didn't really mind that, since at least there was one man there who wanted her, even if she did find some of Luke's humor to be totally off putting at times. They danced together for three more songs before she felt a tap on her shoulder, and she was looking up into Rossi's eyes. "May I cut in for a little while? The host has to dance with every lovely lady here this evening, and hasn't had the opportunity with Penelope yet."</p>
    <p>"I'm watching you, old man," Luke replied as he let go of Penelope and she stepped into Rossi's open arms. Though he tried to look like he was teasing, there was still a sense that he wasn't entirely happy with having to let her go for any length of time. That jealousy reminded her a little of Kevin, and that was so not a comparison that she wanted to make, since she had excised that bad influence from her life so many years ago.</p>
    <p>"I'm married," Rossi replied shortly before closing his arm around Penelope's waist and dancing her away from Luke. She didn't know why she felt so relieved to be away from the man, especially since they had just seemed to cement their status as a couple just moments before when he had asked her on a date, and she shook her head a little as she closed the small distance between Rossi and herself so that she could rest her head on his chest as they swayed back and forth to the slow song that was currently playing. "So, a little bird told me that Luke officially asked you out. Is that why he's treating you like a piece of property?"</p>
    <p>"You noticed that?" she asked, never lifting her head from his chest, finding the sound of his heart beating to be soothing to her confused, frazzled, nerves. "If things last between us, I know that that will be one of the things that I suggest he work on changing. But I really like him."</p>
    <p>"I'm glad that you do, since that's a large part of being in a relationship. I like Krystall."</p>
    <p>"You don't love her?"</p>
    <p>Rossi stiffened a little as he took a deep breath, and Penelope wished that she was brave enough to pull away from him a little so that she could look into his face, to see the expression that he wore. She couldn't quite understand why he had reacted the way he had, since she had assumed that everything was all right between him and Krystall. Granted, she hadn't had the opportunity to talk with him alone much in the weeks that had passed between blowing the jet up and her retirement party, since she had put so much effort into training her replacement and making certain that she knew what she was getting into. Even Jayje had been put off by the fact that she didn't have as much time for her and the kids. But with this new job, Penelope knew that she would have more time for them, and not have to worry about hurting her heart by looking at the horrors of the day that the team had picked up.</p>
    <p>Finally, Rossi drew in a deep breath as he spread his hand out on her back, holding her a little closer to his chest as he hummed slightly. "My feelings are complicated, but I don't want to make your happy party a sad affair."</p>
    <p>Penelope nodded before rubbing her cheek against his chest and bringing up one hand to rest next to her face as she let out a soft sigh. "Well, once I am in my new job, you are going to have to call me so that we can talk. My ear will always be open to you, I hope you know."</p>
    <p>"I do, Kitten, and I will probably take you up on that offer. Maybe not right away, as you'll need a little time to ease into your mew role, but soon." He stopped, and Penelope looked up to see that he had danced her into a darkened corner of the lawn, and she glanced back at the group to see if they had noticed their distance, but it didn't seem like they had. Another sigh slipped out of her mouth as she turned her head to look up at him. In the dark, it was hard to read his expression, but she still found herself unconsciously leaning up, the desire to kiss him nearly overwhelming her in that moment. And for a second there, she thought that he would close the distance between them and kiss her, the way she wanted to be kissed, like she was hoping Luke would eventually, and help her forget about the slight infatuation she had had with Rossi from the moment he had first came to her apartment on his own.</p>
    <p>"Hey, why are you guys over there in the dark?"</p>
    <p>Startled, she pulled away from Rossi to look at Luke, giving him a large smile as she crossed over to his side. "Rossi was just showing me something. And you interrupted our dancing."</p>
    <p>"Well, maybe it's time that you danced with me?" he said as he took hold of her hand, pulling her back towards the rest of the group. Penelope nodded dumbly as she turned her head to look back at Rossi, watching him stuff his hands in his pockets as he stared up at the night sky. In that moment, she felt like she had genuinely missed an opportunity to experience a moment of happiness, as T. S. Eliot had written about. As Luke tugged her into his arms and began to dance with her, Penelope found herself wishing that she would find the right happiness with Luke and not pine for the man who had always managed to get away.</p>
    <p>
      <strong>VI. Your Kiss Is On My List</strong>
    </p>
    <p>"Yeah, well, fuck you too, Luke Alvez. I never want to hear from you again! And you should thank your lucky stars that I love my life outside the BAU so that I don't hack every single social media account you have and ruin your social life!"</p>
    <p>Penelope angrily ended the call, wishing that she still had a landline so that she could slam down the receiver with a bit more satisfaction than just stabbing her phone screen with her pointer finger. She should have known that something was up when the cases he was on started to last longer and longer. But it wasn't until she had overheard him talking on his phone in a very unprofessional manner that she started putting things together and discovered that he was cheating on her. That had led to this phone call, and him deciding that rather than owning up to his mistake, he was going to double down on being an asshole and accuse her of spying on him. Which had led to him breaking up with her over the phone, and her angry response.</p>
    <p>Now that the call was over, though, she felt all the adrenaline leave her body, and she slumped over on the sofa, picking up a throw pillow to hug tightly to her chest as she struggled to keep from crying. Luke wasn't worth her tears, even if he had broken her heart into smithereens with his callous behaviour. Still, it was easy enough to allow herself to indulge in runaway thoughts of bad things that should happen to Luke and his new partner. Sighing, she flopped over onto her back and stared up at the ceiling as she clutched the pillow all the tighter. As she stared, she found herself losing her control on her emotions and the first hot tears began to scald her skin as they slipped down the sides of her face to disappear into her hair.</p>
    <p>At some point, she must have cried herself to sleep, as she groggily woke up to the sound of her phone ringing. Turning onto her side, Penelope slowly reached out to pick it up and looked at the display, knowing that if it was Luke calling back to explain more, she wouldn't answer. To her shock, though, it was Rossi, and she felt her heart lift a little at the sight of his name on her display. "It is so good to hear your voice, as I needed a friendly ear right now."</p>
    <p>"Matt told me that that was probably the case. And he was the one holding me back from stringing Luke up by his balls in the briefing room."</p>
    <p>"You, you knew?"</p>
    <p>"Oh, Kitten, we all had our suspicions, but I didn't say anything to you because I wasn't certain until today. Telling you would have been much different had I been certain."</p>
    <p>"I know, I just, I don't know. Would you mind coming over? I know that you're home, since Luke was able to call and break my heart."</p>
    <p>"I'm actually already on my way over with wine and cupcakes. I know, not the fanciest of things, but sugar and alcohol are always good at helping to buoy a bad mood."</p>
    <p>"I think that's why I've always loved you, Dave."</p>
    <p>"I'm glad that someone still loves me."</p>
    <p>She sighed as she thought about how Krystall had left Rossi eight months ago. Though she had seen it coming at her retirement party, it had still shocked her to see how hurt Rossi was about it. "I think that I have always had a soft spot in my heart for you and Hotch. It's just that your softness is completely different from his. We'll talk more when you get here?"</p>
    <p>She knew that the abrupt shift in the conversation wouldn't throw him off, since he had known her for so long. "Of course, Kitten. I should be there in fifteen minutes."</p>
    <p>"All right."</p>
    <p>Sitting up, she ended the call and slowly got to her feet, trudging into the bathroom and taking a look at her reflection. Penelope rolled her eyes a little to see that her impromptu nap had left a series of wrinkles and red lines on her cheek, and she knew that there was nothing she could do about that in the short time that she had before Rossi arrived. Instead, she let the hot water run so that she could wash the makeup off her face, not wanting him to see mascara smudges on her cheeks. She was just finishing up with fixing her makeup once more when the buzzer for her apartment went off, and she threw the washcloth in the hamper before heading out into the main room and allowing Rossi to enter her building. It didn't take him long to get up to her apartment, as his familiar style of knock came at her door a few minutes later.</p>
    <p>Opening the door, Penelope smiled to see that he was indeed carrying a bottle of good wine and a bag of goodies from her favorite bakery. "That didn't take too long," she said quietly as she let him inside her place, closing the door behind them and locking it before she joined him on the sofa. "Oh, I should have grabbed glasses."</p>
    <p>"I grabbed two from the bakery, just in case. Always be prepared, right?" he said wit a small wink, and she nodded as she watched him open the bottle before pulling things out of the bag. "I think that I remembered your favorite flavor cupcake, Kitten."</p>
    <p>"It's enough that you're here, Dave. I just can't believe that I was so stupid. I have the worst luck with men."</p>
    <p>He nodded as he poured the wine into paper cups, handing one over as she curled up into a corner of the sofa, watching Rossi closely. There was a certain kindness to his features, something that Penelope adored, shocked to realise that she had missed this side of him so much. "You just haven't found the right frog to kiss yet, Kitten. I know that he's out there."</p>
    <p>She shrugged as she took a sip of the wine, allowing it to sit in her mouth for a moment before swallowing and then letting out a long breath. "I don't want to kiss any more frogs. There's one person that I want to kiss, but our paths have only crossed at the worst times. There have been so many missed opportunities for us to kiss, but we've never been able to take that last little leap."</p>
    <p>Rossi gave her a wry smile as he pulled the cupcake container out of the bag, pulling the lid off the box and placing the chantilly one on a paper plate before handing it over to her. "The common phrase is ships passing in the night. I truly thought that Erin and I would go the distance, until she was taken from us, and then life just took a weird, long, path towards Krystall once more. You asked me, at your retirement party, if I loved her, and I never answered your question, even though we did talk about other things. I may have loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. She was just convenient, I guess. I didn't want to be alone any longer, and the one person who I thought might be right for me was never free."</p>
    <p>Their eyes met, and she gave him a small smile as she broke off a piece of her cupcake, eating it slowly as she let his words sink into her brain. She hated the fact that they were talking around the unspoken truth between them, but it also seemed par for the course between them, as well. "She might be free now," Penelope whispered as she took another sip of wine, never looking away from his face.</p>
    <p>"And he might want to still kiss her deeply, a hundred times over. But she's just left a relationship, and that wouldn't be appropriate."</p>
    <p>"Has anything she's ever done been appropriate? She asked her boss's boss to talk dirty to her, after all."</p>
    <p>Rossi chuckled before swallowing some wine. "I don't want to hurt you more than you already are, Kitten."</p>
    <p>"I don't think that you could hurt me worse than Luke did, Dave. Truly, I think that I've wanted this for more than a dozen years. So please, allow me to cross your kiss off my list."</p>
    <p>"I'm sorry?"</p>
    <p>"I have a list of men that I would love to kiss at some point in my life. You rank up there with Prince William and Alan Rickman. William's married, and Rickman died, so I suppose that kissing you is only natural. Right?" She set her plate on her coffee table and leaned forward a little, feeling a bit frustrated with the fact that he wasn't getting the hint. Chuckling a little, Dave copied her movements, setting his cupcake near her own before closing the distance between them and cupping her chin with his hand as his warm breath fanned out across her face. Unconsciously, she closed her eyes, anticipating the feel of his lips brushing against hers.</p>
    <p>Moments later, that was exactly what happened, and she pressed herself tighter to his body as he deepened the kiss, pressing her back against the sofa as their kiss lingered against their lips. It was one of the most perfect first kisses that she had ever had in her life, and she smiled against his mouth to realise that this was one of the few times in her life that reality had lived up to the fantasy she had created in her mind. "That's one. We have ninety-nine more to experience."</p>
    <p>"Only that many?"</p>
    <p>"I think one hundred kisses deep is enough for one day, don't you?"</p>
    <p>A soft giggle escaped her lips as she felt the anger over Luke's betrayal fade away with the knowledge that it had resulted in something so right happening to her, and she nodded. "And here is kiss number two," she breathily said as she leaned up into his space and kissed him gently, trying to let him know that she was okay with everything that would happen between them from here on out.</p>
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